on disassociation and distractions
I learned the hard way about how to manage finances. When I first started making money through my business, I made much more than expected. While that sounds like the blessing it was, I didn’t see it that way.
I was racked with guilt about the financial woes of extended family members and ‘friends’ so gave them what I didn’t ‘need’. Gave, not loaned. I was clueless about the importance of saving money. When my bank accounts went to zero and there was no one to turn to, I quickly woke up to this fact.
In working to get back on my feet, decided to go the Suze Orman route. Reached a point where I had a year of living expenses saved. Though, savings are to some degree, false safety nets.
Money is neither armor nor salve for the inner and outer battles and wounds we endure, much as we are trained to believe otherwise.
Within six months, a family member died, I lost clients, medical emergencies hit my family one after the other (son, ex-husband), we had to move and a divorce filing was under way. While this scenario may have played out in Orman’s books, I certainly would not have looked for it and even if I had, could not have prepared for it.
As much as Superwoman felt she had everything under control, she knew in her spirit, these events could only be endured so long as she did not allow them to implode within her mind.
Enter disassociation, compartmentalization and distractions. Welcoming them all made it impossible to focus which resulted in dispersing energy in too many places to be effective in any one.
My method of coping involves learning or otherwise doing something with my mind or body that requires me to focus ‘outwardly’. Music has been my medicine and books my psychologist. I’m both running and chasing. Myself.
What am I grateful for?
- Recognizing that my responses as a default of my personality are a limitation to my growth and a negative model to my children.
- Recognizing that this is most surely one of the reasons I am in pause.
- Recognizing that the defense mechanism of disassociation served to protect me as a child but as an adult no longer serves me.
- The effectiveness of touch as a coping mechanism. It delivers grounding, presence and unconditional love. Sometimes a hug makes it all feel manageable.
- Cool touch Kleenex. For those moments when the truth hits you harder than expected, resulting in tears that burn your cheeks.