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on syntax and dissolution

rainbowI sat in the courtroom, expecting that the culmination of this moment would have me falling to the floor in relief, happiness, sadness or all of the above.  It was none of those.  I was Numb. Tired. Anxious.

A middle-aged woman who sat two seats away leaned towards me to whisper that she was there to request her filing fees be waived.  She said she had been married for 10 years and wanted a free divorce.  She seemed giddy at the prospect.  I just nodded and smiled in response. It didn’t compute for me. “Free” and “Divorce” seemed to me like “Water” and “Oil”.  They just don’t go together.

Like dissolves like“.

I envisioned watching the scene from above and felt we were in a turnstile, marriage being the restriction, divorce being the access to the other side.  After only a few agonizing questions, fearing I would somehow mix up “Yes” and “No”, the judge granted my divorce.  I am officially restored to “Single” status. No balloons.  No congratulations.  No consolation prize.

I have tons of journals kept in written, video and audio formats.  If I didn’t journal my thoughts or dreams I would surely miss out on some pertinent life lessons easily missed in the middle of sniveling.

The intensity of this entire self-reflection project comes from a place of knowing I need to get myself together, as a mother, in order to walk in the direction I want my children to follow. Teaching children to live a ‘simple’ life is not really so simple.

Of priority is figuring out how to fill my cup so I come from a place of abundance rather than a place of emptiness, the place from which I’ve been operating for a really long time.

My mother tells me she’s ready for another son-in-law and to head into the dating scene. I laugh.  Little does she know my problems all started from looking for love on the outside to fill me on the inside.  Little does she know that no matter how deeply you are loved or how much you are praised, that unless your cup is filled with your own love and your own praise, you will be forever ‘seeking’ and forever ‘empty’.

graveyard

What am I grateful for?

Video Journaling

After watching my latest, and cringing, I was able to gain clarity on a few things and took immediate action.

    1. Dropped out of all external volunteer activities to focus on family and recovering my internal vibrancy.
    2. Began the task of redefining success, for myself and my family. Simplicity. Purpose-Driven Living.
    3. Began the task of drawing what that feels like and looks like. Nature. Clean Air. Open Space. Gardens. Homeschooling. Maybe a goat and four to five dogs.
    4. Time-lining. If it was meant for us it will be aligned for us – always. We’re not here forever!

exploration

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