on oxygen, white flags and exhaustion
There was a fire in me running wild. It was intense and I did not want to contain it. My mind and body were screaming to be touched by the oxygen of the life I had previously feared to live.
My psyche pranced around waving white flags. My exhaustion was begging me to surrender. Assuming she wanted me to quit I pushed harder than ever to silence her.
I started three businesses within six months. One to move towards one of my deepest passions. One to re-purpose my current business and one with a vision to merge the two allowing freedom to perform the services anywhere in the world. My goals were in sight and I did not, do not, want dust to settle under my feet.
Out of control fire.
Stepping down the ladder of my mind, canvasing the scene and surveying the collateral damage, it is clear I was acting from a place fear. Fear that
- I was not doing enough
- I was not being enough
- I was not enough
What am I grateful for?
- Remembering the real fire. Twice grateful.
- Remembering to see the worst case scenario but to focus on the best case scenario
- Remembering that where am I is always the same: Swimming along the swift currents of space and time.
- Understanding the impossibility of scattering that much energy and finding success and peace, among pieces.
- Remembering that I lack nothing.
- Remembering who I will always be: Exceedingly Abundantly Me.
- Dissociation. It allowed me to put off my pain and plan the timing of my healing. Now.