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on loneliness deferred

In my latest self-counseling session I honed in on a marriage theme of ‘lack of support’.   I stared at those three words a long time.

I recognized that I needed to transmute them because I do not want the energy of lack to shadow my thoughts, beliefs or manifest in future insufficiency.  In fact, my history clearly illustrates I have always been supported.

So then what did I mean?

I believe the meaning behind the words is that I did not feel supported in the way I wanted or needed.  Maybe also I was not being a support in the way wanted or needed.

Maybe.  I had a complete paradigm shift about life itself during my marriage.  I went in wearing single-vision glasses and somewhere along the way traded them in for binoculars. From that vantage point I saw that life was much more than I had imagined and so knew it must be even more than that.

How could I put glasses back on and ignore that?  I tried. I fell into and lived in complete Resistance to my Truth.

So no, I absolutely could not be supported in the way I wanted or needed, because I was standing in a place that only I saw. How can one support what they do not want to see with what they do not have?

So no, I probably did not offer support in the way that was wanted or needed because my offering had outgrown the soil in which it had originally been planted. How can one support from a place of rot, a dying place?

Rather than lack of support, I will redefine the pain as a resistance to connect misaligned energies.  Our frequencies would never align. Through these glasses, the disconnections make more sense, as does the severing of the attempts.

What am I grateful for?

~ Letting go of Resistance.  Recognizing that the most joyful times in life have come when I was in Flow.

~ Letting go of Loneliness. There are no solitary drops of rain.  

~ Not having it all figured out but having confidence that I’m on the right path.

~ Determination to establish harmony with endeavors, people and places in alignment with the highest expression of self, where growth is not hoped for, but purposely lived, unconstrained.


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