“Don’t let the mind set the stage for your life because it will always be a limitation”
I’m intensely private, I think?
Today’s confession: My ex stalked me for years. I did not know it had a name and I did not know it was considered abusive. It was something I had not seen before, in fact, it was the opposite of the abuse I had seen and because of that, I initially thought it must be good.
In the beginning I was flattered, that
– he wanted to spend so much time with me
– he hated when I wasn’t there
– he wanted to accompany me every. place. i. went.
Then, it became unbearable as he increasingly showed up at places he had no business showing up.
– Outside of a client’s office while I was in a meeting
– In the parking lot of the gym while I was working out
– Parked on a street when I would go for a walk
– Calling the school I attended to see if I was in class, during class
– Asking the clerk at the postal store what time I had been by
– Calling stores to verify closing times if I said that’s where I was
I felt increasingly imprisoned over a period of four years, feeling trapped and not knowing what to do.
I’m radically independent, smart, kind, faithful, loyal, supportive and more, so, um, how did this happen to me?
I started to lose my mind. I dropped all friends, personal activities and more because it wasn’t worth the pain and frustration of being followed or questioned.
– I would rent offices in different cities to work undisturbed
– I would rent homes in obscure places to find inspiration and temporary peace
– I would completely disconnect from my emotions and all people
I would work to scatter myself in so many directions to make it impossible to find me.
I was successful. I became so scattered that not even I could find me.
In this last year I shared the deepest parts of my heart with two individuals and learned that I may not be as private as I thought. That maybe I had spent so long hiding myself that my true self was buried.
I was held physically, gently, spiritually, in words, in music, in between space and time, in silence. As I sat sobbing at the excavation site of my spiritual self these individuals stood by holding mirrors as I dug into my heart with a glass shovel over and over again in attempts to bleed out my sorrow and uncover myself.
I let them see my blood, my dirt and aiming the mirrors at my heart they wanted me to know that I would eventually see:
Belief, Faith, Trust, Hope, Dreams, Beauty, Worthiness, Love
Their presence gave me temporary refuge to trust the living space in my heart again, be-ing and becoming at home with myself once again.
We are all mirrors to one another after all and I continue to come across lovely soul mirrors here on WordPress.
As a child I was molested over a period of years by several men. I’ve bared my pain in counseling to work through the psychology of that to find healing. It took years to work through and more to let the pain go.
I’ve forgiven those men and have cultivated love in my heart so as not to allow those evils any power over my light.
It occurred to me recently that I went into my marriage feeling ‘damaged’ and left it feeling even more so, ergo, Spinning Home.
In a recent blog comment I referred to the molestations as innocence ‘taken’. Perhaps I never realized the power I was assigning to the word taken. Do I still bare imprints of ‘M‘olestation? Was there a part of me carrying ‘M‘ as a scarlet letter?
A most loving and enlightening response to my comment came through from 21st Century Catholic this morning, that brought me to unexpected tears and the inspiration for this post.
Yes, what was not to be had was taken but I do not need to feel innocence ‘lost’ in the taking.
Thank you, 21st, for holding up a mirror, reminding me of my goodness and holding me in a light not filtered through a prism of ‘damaged goods’.
I think I will purposely assign myself the words, “Masterfully Made“.
Every scarlet letter has a purpose.