Since time had passed and you had not left heart or mind, I wanted to prove to myself that it was what I thought it was, that I was not romanticizing you. You stood simply as yourself carrying an energy of love I didn’t consider existed, in a place I was not prepared to find love and in a time love was not prepared to find me.
I wanted to be alone with you, kiss you, make love to you. You seemed to want the same, perhaps only in word. As much as I’ve tried, I cannot without fraying my mind, unravel the mysterious exchanges that hinted at what might be more than two ships passing in a lonely sea. As much as I’ve tried, I cannot un-remember the loving eyes that matched those same exchanges.
It is not the first time I jumped without considering the distance to a fall. Content with no bungee I felt walking on air was worth the injury. It took me a while, maybe too long, but I finally understood the solidity of the line as well as the wall between the lines, that you would neither cross, break down or wave to me from as you took your leave. Reasons and lines made clear before the jump, you left behind a heart anchored with sadness and drifting between the ocean of our last kiss and absence of a final goodbye.
I never knew how to express that I recognized you, saw you before I had sight, loved you before I knew you, knew you before I loved you, felt you before you touched me, touched you before you felt me and kissed you lifetimes ago until in our reunion, you awakened me.
These letters, invisible in my empty hands have no warmth with which to embrace me with yet have power to pierce my skin and stab my soul when I awaken to wet tears that meet with cold dried ink.
They are words that cast shadow puppet hearts expressing an embracing of love, a letting go of love and the sorrows in between.
We appear as two muses sailing at different coordinates with hearts beating on similar spiritual time zones.
Maybe we are romanticizing one another to replace an unfulfilled reality. Maybe it is only me romanticizing everything.
If it is us and if it is correct will, then it is possible you shall one day return and without fear, remove your armor and invite me into your heart, realizing my love carries no hidden armament, the kind you have trained yourself to identify and avoid.
If it is only me, then maybe this provides the hope needed to maneuver through swells on ebony-skied evenings when steering alone feels like a lifetime sentencing over treacherous waters. Never will I chase nor hold any man’s freedom. I would have run away with you but maybe living with a simmering heart is my destiny.
Whereupon the day this heart shall be cooled, should our coordinates remain parted, I hope to greet you standing upon the waters that separate us, hold your face in my hands and gently touch my lips to yours once more before taking eternal flight.
Til we meet again Love,